More Potty Talk

Jane, our 21 month-old, saw Malan’s bum the other day and immediately pointed and said, “EWWWW POO-POOO.” We laughed, A. Because it was funny and B. Because we want her to think poo is gross so maybe she’ll do it in the toilet. Malan on the other hand is three and a half and is only allowed to talk “potty talk” when she is physically in the bathroom or the need is imminent. This ban will likely remain in effect until she is old enough to become unpotty-trained. In keeping with this policy, and due to the fact that I don’t need to go, I am writing to you live from my bathroom.

On a more serious note, I have a problem. The offices and “cubes” where I work are basically in a cage. You need an electronic key to get in or out and the bathroom is located in the main lobby just outside of the cage. When you come out of the cage, the main lobby secretary is staring directly at you. I always say hello in the morning so I just smile awkwardly when I come out to use the facilities during the day. Anyone who knows me well knows that I’m probably so skinny because there is frequent throughput from my metabolic machine.

One afternoon, after my third or fourth awkward smile, I got the feeling that she thought my trips weren’t totally sincere. My mind raced, “She’s probably making a mark on a pad of paper everytime I come out. Worse yet, she’s got a stopwatch.” It has ruined the whole experience. I wait by the door until she answers a phone call, hoping she doesn’t see me. If she does see me, I either hurry, so she doesn’t think I’m in there all day, or I go slow so she doesn’t think I skip washing my hands.

Should I just tell her I have diabetes? I don’t think I can go on in silence. It’s like when there are two of you alone in a car and one of you breaks wind, you both know who did it. Maybe I can petition to have her desk turned the other way? Your suggestions would be appreciated.