More Potty Talk

Jane, our 21 month-old, saw Malan’s bum the other day and immediately pointed and said, “EWWWW POO-POOO.” We laughed, A. Because it was funny and B. Because we want her to think poo is gross so maybe she’ll do it in the toilet. Malan on the other hand is three and a half and is only allowed to talk “potty talk” when she is physically in the bathroom or the need is imminent. This ban will likely remain in effect until she is old enough to become unpotty-trained. In keeping with this policy, and due to the fact that I don’t need to go, I am writing to you live from my bathroom.

On a more serious note, I have a problem. The offices and “cubes” where I work are basically in a cage. You need an electronic key to get in or out and the bathroom is located in the main lobby just outside of the cage. When you come out of the cage, the main lobby secretary is staring directly at you. I always say hello in the morning so I just smile awkwardly when I come out to use the facilities during the day. Anyone who knows me well knows that I’m probably so skinny because there is frequent throughput from my metabolic machine.

One afternoon, after my third or fourth awkward smile, I got the feeling that she thought my trips weren’t totally sincere. My mind raced, “She’s probably making a mark on a pad of paper everytime I come out. Worse yet, she’s got a stopwatch.” It has ruined the whole experience. I wait by the door until she answers a phone call, hoping she doesn’t see me. If she does see me, I either hurry, so she doesn’t think I’m in there all day, or I go slow so she doesn’t think I skip washing my hands.

Should I just tell her I have diabetes? I don’t think I can go on in silence. It’s like when there are two of you alone in a car and one of you breaks wind, you both know who did it. Maybe I can petition to have her desk turned the other way? Your suggestions would be appreciated.

The Nerds have finally taken over

Question: “Caleb, you work all day at a computer and you haven’t been updating this blog every twenty minutes, what gives?”

Answer:”If we had all just voted for Bo Gritz in the early 90s we wouldn’t be having this Big Brother problem.”

Consider the following:

IT Nazi: “Caleb, my real time update of your every move indicates that you have visited espn.com while at work.”

Caleb: “Dude, IT Nazi, you go to espn.com too? I had no idea we were on the same ‘project.’”

Caleb goes for high five and is left hanging.

IT Nazi: “Your project is cash flow, and how could you possibly think espn.com qualifies as work?”

Caleb (thinking): “How can a man work when he is too busy wondering what he could be reading about on espn.com?”

Caleb (saying): “You’re right IT Nazi, I’ll never use the internet again, I’ll only take bathroom breaks when I actually need to go, and I offer 7 years of indentured service from my firstborn son.”

IT Nazi (thinking): “Fool, I would have caved on the bathroom breaks.”

IT Nazi (saying): “Your terms are acceptable.”

I haven’t used the internet at work since. Really, they just told me my first day that they monitor everyone’s internet usage and I live in fear. I have been trying to change to address of this blog to a website that sounds like a site I would use for my work. The problem is that every site that sounds plausible, like Wellsfargo.com, is already taken. Crafty IT Nazis.

True Fact: I read the 7^th Harry Potter for 45 minutes in the bathroom at my last job.

Reasonable Question: “Why stop at 45 minutes?”

Answer: Espn.com was streaming playoff games.

Welcome to Ogden...

...On the way home from work I saw a rough-looking young man walking down the street with an old woman. They were both chatting up a storm and I thought, “How nice of that hoodlum to take his grandmother for a walk.” Suddenly the young man turned and crossed the street, but they both just kept talking away. Turns out it was just two crazy people talking to themselves that happened to be walking side by side. I wonder if either of them said out loud to his/herself, “Look at the nut-job talking like there’s someone there.”